It's Never or Now
by CoffeeDrinker
Summary: Missing revival moments between the end of Summer and the beginning of Fall, picking up immediately after Lorelai tells Luke she's going away...


**"It's Never or Now"**

. . . . .

. . . . .

Luke climbed the stairs and hesitantly approached the half-closed bedroom door. He gently pushed it open and stepped into the room, where Lorelai was starting to change out of her work clothes.

He stood by the doorway for a moment, his hands shoved nervously in his pockets. He didn't want to start an argument, so he was trying hard to remain calm despite the emotions going crazy inside of him.

"Can we talk about this?" he asked her.

Lorelai glanced over at him and nodded. "We can talk about it, but I don't want you to try to talk me out of it." She pulled off her pink shirt and walked it over to the hamper.

"Is this because of our fight the other night in the diner?" he asked her. "Is that what brought this on?"

"Not specifically, no," Lorelai replied calmly. "It's just... everything. There are a lot of things hitting me at once right now."

"Like what?"

Lorelai walked over to her dresser and pulled open a drawer. "Like stuff with the inn, Rory, my mother… everything. I just need some time to sort it all out." She grabbed a t-shirt from the drawer and pulled it on.

"Well, isn't that what therapy was for, to help you deal with everything going on?"

Lorelai pushed the drawer closed and turned around to face him. "This is different." She pulled her hair out from the collar of her shirt and let it fall forward over her shoulders. "This is something I need to do that's just _me_... I need to go out there on my own and clear my head and figure some things out _on my own_."

"And you have to travel across the country for that?" he asked her, his emotions starting to rise to the surface despite his attempts to keep them down. "You can't just go for a walk in the park? Or, hell, if you need to make a trip out of it, drive up to Boston or something? I'm sure there are some trails on the East Coast you can hike."

Lorelai hung her head and shook it gently. "Luke, please don't," she said softly, and then lifted her head to meet his gaze. "Listen… I get it if you don't understand _why_ I'm doing it, but I _am_ doing it, and I just need you to support that, okay? Please?"

Luke exhaled a deep breath and rubbed his temple. "Yeah, I will support it, I'm just trying to wrap my mind around it." He walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed.

He knew no matter what he said, she wasn't going to budge... when Lorelai's mind was set on something, there was no changing it. So, as concerned as he might be about her safety or survival skills or the future of their relationship, he knew he needed to push all that aside and be as supportive as he could.

They were both quiet as Lorelai changed out of her skirt and pulled on a pair of pajama pants. When she was done changing, she sat down next to him on the bed, and they stared straight ahead in awkward silence for a few moments.

Luke was debating whether or not to ask her the question that kept running through his mind. He didn't know if she would answer it honestly, but he decided he had to at least ask.

He turned to look at her. "Can you at least tell me... is this about _us_?" he asked, and she could hear his voice breaking slightly with emotion. "Is that one of the things you're trying to figure out?"

Lorelai slowly turned her head to look at him. The emotion in his eyes matched that of his voice, and she placed her palm comfortingly on his cheek. "I told you, it's not about anything specific… it's about _everything._ All of these different little pieces that make up my life are starting to become... I don't know, cloudy or something. I just need to take some time for myself and think about it all, get some perspective, and figure out what changes I need to make to get some more clarity."

"Clarity," he repeated.

"Yeah." Lorelai thought for a moment, then explained, "Look, it's sort of like your dark day. I don't know exactly what goes through your mind on that day, but I do understand that you _need_ that day, you need that time to yourself, and I don't question it. So, try to think of this as just my slightly-extended dark day where I need to be alone and think."

"But I don't make any changes to my life after my dark day," Luke reminded her. "I go, I think, I come back the same person." He paused, hesitant to find out the answer to his next question, but he apprehensively asked, "Are _you_ gonna come back the same person?"

Lorelai nibbled on her bottom lip for a moment, then shrugged a little. "I don't know," she replied honestly.

Luke nodded, and he didn't push it any further. The nervousness brewing inside of him was starting to make him feel sick and questions were flying around his head. What parts of her life are cloudy? What does she want to change? What does she need more clarity about? Was she not happy with him anymore?

Through nine years of ups and downs, there was never a point where he felt like there was a legitimate possibility of losing her… until now. And he had no idea what to do about it. He didn't know if there was anything he _could_ do... she needed to figure out what she wanted. Their fate was in her hands.

Lorelai stood up from the bed and started to walk toward the bathroom.

"When are you leaving?" he asked her.

Lorelai turned around to face him and took a deep breath before she declared, "In three days."

Luke's eyes widened with surprise. " _Three days?_ " he exclaimed, and then he quickly softened his tone. "Three days? How can you decide to do this out of the blue and then be ready to leave in _three_ days? You have to learn how to hike, to camp. You can't just go out there on a whim and pretend you know what you're doing... it's not safe."

Lorelai glanced down at the floor. "It's not completely out of the blue," she admitted.

Luke narrowed his eyes with confusion. "What?"

"This isn't an impulsive thing," Lorelai said softly. "Just because it's the first time you've heard me mention it doesn't mean it's a new idea. I've been thinking about it, I've done research."

"You have?"

Lorelai nodded. "I just kept putting off actually doing it, I was waiting for the right time." She shrugged as she added, "And, well… it feels like the right time."

. . . . .

. . . . .

After a quick breakfast at the diner the next morning, Lorelai headed out for a day of shopping armed with a list of supplies she needed for her trip. When Luke got home from work that night, the couch, coffee table, and floor in the living room were covered with her purchases as she organized them to pack.

"Wow, you were busy today," Luke said. "Look at all this stuff."

"Yeah, sorry, I kind of took over the whole room," she replied with an apologetic frown.

"It's okay."

"Not sure I would've been able to accomplish it all in one day without that underutilized shopping skill of mine," Lorelai said. "Good thing I've been carefully cultivating it over the years."

"Trust me, it's not underutilized," he muttered with a smirk.

Lorelai smiled. "Very funny."

"So, you get everything you needed?" he asked.

"I think so," she replied, wrinkling her nose with uncertainty. "At least, everything I'd planned to get before I leave. The bigger stuff I'm picking up when I get there."

"Right." Seeing all of the various camping items around the room catapulted this situation from an idea to a reality, and Luke's heart began to race a little. This was really happening. She was really leaving. "So, is there anything here you're not sure how to use?" he asked. "Because I could help teach you."

Lorelai pursed her lips as she glanced around, then replied, "No, I think I'm all set. I'd read about most of this stuff already, and the workers at the store were pretty helpful. Thanks, though."

"Okay." He wasn't going to try to push any unwanted help or advice on her. Whether she accepted it or not, at least she knew that his offer to help was there and that her partner was supporting her. He watched her organize piles for a minute before he casually asked, "So, what did Rory say about this?"

Lorelai froze momentarily and then gently shook her head. "Nothing."

"Nothing because she thinks it's a great idea, or nothing because she doesn't know?"

"She doesn't need to know."

Luke cocked his head to the side. "Lorelai..."

"What?" she replied. "She doesn't need to know every single thing I do. She doesn't tell me every single thing _she_ does."

"I know you guys are having a thing right now, but she's your daughter… don't you think she should know if you're going away for awhile?"

"I'm sure there are millions of mothers out there who have gone on trips without telling their adult children," Lorelai pointed out.

"I know, I just think - "

"Luke, stop!" Lorelai cut him off, and Luke flinched a little at her strong reaction. She covered her face with her hands as she softly muttered, "I'm sorry."

Luke walked over to her and comfortingly rubbed her arm. "It's okay."

Lorelai dropped her hands from her face and exhaled a deep sigh. "Look, I just need to focus on this," she explained, nodding toward the piles around her. "And focusing on this means that I'm not taking the time to explain to people _why_ I'm doing this and then listening to them try to talk me out of it. I just want to get out there and do what I need to do."

Luke nodded. "I get it."

"Maybe I'll tell her about it when I'm already there, when it's too late for her to try to talk me out of it."

"Or I can tell her for you after you leave," he offered. "If that makes it easier for you."

Lorelai shrugged. "I don't know, maybe, I'll have to see."

"Okay." They were quiet for a moment, then Luke asked, "So, uh, what are your plans for tomorrow?"

"I have to get everything all squared away at the inn," she replied. "I stopped in today for a little while, but I have a lot to do tomorrow."

"How did Michel take the news?"

Lorelai shook her head. "About as well as you'd expect him to."

Luke nodded understandingly. "Right." He nodded toward the kitchen. "Did you eat dinner? I can make you something."

Lorelai shook her head. "No, I had a late lunch, I'm not hungry. I'm gonna keep organizing."

"Okay. You need any help?"

Lorelai put her hands on her hips and glanced around at the mess around her. "Uh, no, I think I'm good. I've got a system."

"Well, then… I'll leave you to your system." Luke gestured toward the staircase. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

. . . . .

. . . . .

The next night, at Luke's suggestion, they went out for dinner for a sort of farewell meal. In the truck on the way home, Luke reached over and opened the glove compartment in front of her.

"I got you something for your trip," he said. "It's in there."

Lorelai reached in and retrieved a small shopping bag. She pulled out a knitted hat adorned with a dog face with little ears sticking up on top, and she gasped. "Aw, it's so cute."

"Yeah, I saw it at the store and figured it was right up your alley," he said with a shrug. "It'll get pretty cold at night... make sure you keep your head warm."

Lorelai nodded. "I will."

"And you packed lots of layers, right?" he asked. "So you can add and remove them as needed?"

"Yes, I did," she replied. "You saw me pack them with your own eyes, remember?"

"Oh, yeah, right." Luke inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Sorry."

Lorelai reached over and rubbed his arm. "I know you're nervous about me being out there, but I'll be okay," she assured him. "I'm smart, I'll be careful, I can handle this."

Luke looked over at her and nodded in agreement. "I know you can."

They drove back to the house, and Lorelai double checked her packing list one last time to make sure she had everything. They got ready for bed a little earlier than usual since they had to leave for the airport at 4:30 the next morning.

As Lorelai was in the bathroom finishing up her nightly routine, Luke sat on his side of the bed nervously fidgeting with his fingers. He was thinking about how this would be the last time they'd share a bed for almost a month. Maybe even forever, since he didn't know if they'd still be together when she got back. He had no idea what to expect upon her return, so of course he was preparing for the worst.

He'd spent the last two days trying to hide just how nervous and worried he was. He just tried to go along with everything and be as supportive as he could. That's what she needed, that's all she asked of him.

Lorelai walked out of the bathroom and over to her side of the bed. As she pulled back the covers on her side, she glanced at the clock. "You set the alarm, right?"

"Yeah, it's set," he replied.

As she climbed into bed and settled in beneath the covers, the miniscule amount of hope he had that she'd maybe initiate some intimacy on her last night home disappeared. He wasn't surprised… he knew it was a long shot and that it was probably the last thing on her mind right now. Neither of them had brought it up since she'd announced that she was leaving, and he briefly wondered if the last time they'd made love a week earlier would end up being their last time ever.

He turned out the light on his nightstand, then leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. "Goodnight."

"Night."

Luke settled in beneath the covers and closed his eyes. Within a few seconds, he felt her hand on his back. "Luke?" she whispered.

He opened his eyes, but kept his back toward her. "Yeah?"

Lorelai gently ran her fingers through his hair. "I know you're still confused about all of this," she said softly. "And I know things have felt a little weird the past few days."

Luke rolled over onto his other side to face her. "A little," he agreed.

"I also know the weirdness could've been so much worse if you weren't on board with this." She smiled a little and added, "Or, at least, _pretending_ to be on board."

"I'm on board," he insisted.

Lorelai cocked her head to the side with a doubtful look, but she was still smiling. "Well, either way, you're going along with it and letting me do my thing and you're not acting angry at me or making me feel guilty about it, so… thank you."

"You're welcome," he replied, and he gently rubbed her arm. "You know I'll support whatever you do."

Lorelai nodded. "I know." She leaned in closer to kiss him, surprising him by the intensity of it. It was the most passionate kiss they'd shared in days, and he felt a sense of relief to know that the passion was still there.

As she pulled back, she left her hand resting against his cheek. Luke took her hand in his and moved it from his cheek to his lips, and he pressed a soft kiss to her palm. "You know this'll be the longest we've been apart in nine years?"

Lorelai nodded with a slight frown. "I know."

"The house is gonna feel so empty."

"You have Paul Anka to keep you company," she said, then wagged a finger at him. "And don't skimp on the steaks, he likes his red meat."

"I know, I know," Luke replied, then exhaled a sigh. "It'll just be different not having you here."

"Different, yeah, but sometimes space is good," Lorelai said with a shrug. "The heart growing fonder and all that jazz."

"Yeah, maybe," Luke agreed, and he was proud of himself for not visibly cringing when he heard the word _space_.

Lorelai sighed softly and stared at him from her pillow. "My mind's kind of going crazy right now. It's hard to get into sleep mode."

"I bet." Luke rolled onto his back and patted his chest. "Come here."

Lorelai moved closer to him and rested her head against his chest. He slipped his arm behind her and began gently combing his fingers through her hair, one of his many methods for effectively calming her down.

"Hmm," she hummed approvingly, then whispered, "I love when you do that."

"I know." Luke kissed the top of her head. "I know you do."

. . . . .

. . . . .

The next morning, Luke pulled up to the curbside drop-off area in front of the airport. They both got out of the truck, and he grabbed her bags from the back. He set them down on the sidewalk, and they stood facing each other.

"So… be safe," he told her.

Lorelai nodded. "I will."

"You remember what to do if you see a bear, right?"

"Yes, follow it home where I will hopefully find a varied selection of porridge to eat and beds to sleep on," she replied, and then she stepped closer to him. "I'll be fine, Luke... I can do this."

"I know you can, I know you're ready..." He slid his hands down her arms and took her hands into his. "That doesn't mean I won't be worried about you every second until you're back home safe and sound."

Lorelai smiled and stepped up on her tiptoes to kiss him, then wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you," she said softly.

Luke's arms circled her waist and he hugged her tightly. "I love you, too." He didn't want to let go of her, he just wanted to hold her in his arms where he knew she was safe.

When they separated, Lorelai picked up her bags. "I'll call you when I get settled in out there."

Luke nodded. "Okay." He paused a moment and swallowed hard before adding, "Bye." He'd never realized how difficult it could be to get that tiny word out while trying to hold back an avalanche of emotions.

"Bye." Lorelai started walking toward the airport entrance, glancing back to give him a wave goodbye before she walked through it.

Luke returned the wave, and as she disappeared into the airport, he exhaled a heavy sigh. He got back into his truck and started driving back to Stars Hollow to start what he expected to be the longest three weeks of his life.

. . . . .

. . . . .

 **The End**


End file.
